Thursday, January 8, 2009

Marriage and Children: just like going to college

I was talking to a friend online today about serious relationships -- having to change for the other person, getting married, having children... so on. And she said, "I think girls are conditioned to expect to get married. I have always just thought of getting married and having kids as a life activity, just like going to college or having to get a job."

It really struck me. It would be interesting to see how many people in our society think that way; I think it would be a surprising many. Or maybe not surprising, but disturbing, nonetheless -- how many women out there really just assume they have to get married and want kids because that is what is expected of them?

When asked why they want to get married and have kids, the majority of my friends (that know they do, anyway) have a difficulty explaining why they want to. But so many are so certain that they do. It is certainly understandable in some aspects -- I think for a lot of women, it is a societal expectation that most never think to question because it surrounds them as an ideal from childhood. It is an expectation many parents place upon their children (in the same category of organized religion and completing your homework on time, for some). I'm not sure I would ever feel confident enough in the rightness of my decision to be able to have kids. There are too many whats ifs and worries that go along with it and my feelings on the subject change pretty frequently... but it has never been something I have always expected and it is definitely not something I have ever been sure of. To me, marriage and children aren't something that is essential or a must in any situation. It depends so much on who you are with -- who you want to build your life with -- that it would change depending on who I am in a relationship with (or has so far, anyway. eesh). Lifestyles change depending on the people you are surrounded by; how could something so lasting like having children be an absolute?

I guess I won't ever cease to be surprised at some of the things people accept unquestioningly. Maybe that is just me projecting my problems on the world, though, as I can't get through a conversation without questioning everything...

This has to be one of my more incoherent posts; I apologize. I hope some of this makes sense.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think it boils down to assuming that even if everything else in life goes to shit, your children MUST unconditionally love you. Its like a law or something.

I think not enough people consider adoption.

And I think that I know exactly why i want kids. I want kids so I can go to Chucky Cheeze again.

Kat said...

And I want kids so that when I say that I watch Disney movies all the time, people don't look at me weird. Also, because I want to play on playgrounds.

Besides, I know plenty of guys who make that same assumption, they just don't talk about it as much as chics do. I think its just a thing... most people in general just assume that they will one day get married and have kids. I think its expected of all of us. It's just more obvious if you're a woman.
But from an anthropological standpoint, its so much more than a cultural thing. In most places in the world, you needs kids to 1) work for you and/or 2) take care of you when you can no longer take care of yourself. Kids are an investment.
From a biological standpoint, all animals assume that they will pair up (at least temporarily) and have babies. In many species, if an animal (or even a plant) cannot have offspring, it is replaced by one that can. So its a biological drive to reproduce.

So it might feel weird, especially if you aren't one of those women who has always dreamed of having children, but I honestly think its a natural thing, wanting to get married have have kids. On the other hand, we are human and do have interesting ways of thinking, so its totally fine to NOT want to have kids, especially when you think about the world and where we are in it, which is something most other species cannot do.

So um... yeah.

Thomas said...

who was this friend?

Nicole Bonomini said...

I agree that not enough people consider adoption. I think if I ever wanted kids, that's what I would do.

But like I said... that will probably change next month. Eesh.

It's a friend who works for a PR firm in Detroit. You guys don't know her, but if you ever came to visit, you might. =P

Anonymous said...

Steps ti visit Niki:

1. get a car that runs- check
2 make enough money to pay for gas- not check...