My favorite Orson Scott Card quote of all time is from Enchantment. "Life is vile, but at least I'm one of the chosen victims." Every time I become down about something, so down that I can't remember why I bother, I usually remember that quote. Some might say it's entirely pessimistic, but to me, it's purely realistic. Life can be vile and awful. But yes, I really do realize that it can be beautiful and wonderful too. I always try to remember that I am just lucky to be alive. It can be hard, though. It's hard when you see bliss all around you, in simple smiles that another couple may share, in a laugh between two friends. In a glance between two people that make them look like conspirators, lovers, so different from most glances my fiancé throws my way. I crave affection and someone who loves me enough to show it. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Why do I always feel like everything I ask for is too much to ask? Cause really, it shouldn't be.
You know, I used to feel like a bad person for doing these. I guess I have become such a bitter husk of a person since, well who knows when, that I am simply indifferent now.
To the point: I had two very interesting conversations after midnight on Saturday. The first was with Al, whom I have not spoken with in such a time, that I cannot remember how long it has been. He still seems like the person I drifted from so long ago, only a bit more brooding. He said something to me that really struck home: he said I am not anti-social but that I have my priorities more inline "than the rest of us, which I have always admired." I must say that I find this to be quite ironic. Yes, I am the person to be admired, but never the person to be friends with. I am insecure, filled with doubt and disbelief, overly internal and withdrawn, quiet, awkward, but I am self-possessed enough not to follow others blindly. And where has it gotten me? It has gotten me admiration, I suppose. Who ever wants admiration? I want someone I can relate to. I want a best friend. I want a real, inseparable best friend again. The one you can tell anything to; the only who will always be there for you. Not the one you could lose if you break up, or finally move away from because really he shouldn't be here, as his job market isn't here. I want so many things that are quite obtainable, only I can't have more than one or two at the same time. I'm sure it is much the same with a great many people; my problem is that I am not sure which I want the most. Will I always wander through all of this so confusedly?
And the other was with Jeffrey. Conversations with Jeffrey are always interesting. We either talk about nothing at all, or so much of everything I feel as if I might explode because I don't have the energy to say it all. Saturday, was, of course, a conversation of the latter. Mostly about, you guessed it, relationships. I said some things I probably didn't mean that came out all wrong as usual, but then I have to wonder - do I say things so easily misinterpreted because how others interpret them are closer to the true meaning, regardless of what I'm telling myself? I am not even going to bother re-reading that last sentence because I probably won't be able to make any more sense of it. As usual, I know what I'm trying to say, even if no one else can construe any meaning of it.
All of this boils down to one thing: I have no idea what I really want. In the meantime, it's fucking up everything.
To further clarify the impossible, I bring you The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done:"
When there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son One more son If you can hold on If you can hold on, hold on I wanna stand up, I wanna let go You know, you know - no you don't, you don't I wanna shine on in the hearts of men I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks I am so much older than I can take And my affection, well it comes and goes I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run Is there room for one more son These changes ain't changing me The gold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner You know you got to help me out You're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
Yeah, you know you got to help me out Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner You know you got to help me out You're gonna bring yourself down You're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner You're gonna bring yourself down Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and in, last call for sin While everyone's lost, the battle is won With all these things that I've done All these things that I've done If you can hold on If you can hold on