My annual weather rant

It's the first week of October and already the temperature in Michigan has gotten down below freezing.

Someone is always telling me I need to be more zen about the weather (cough cough Neil), but I can't help myself... it's so depressing. We went from this gorgeous weather in the 70's and 80's right to 40's and 50's. What happened to the 60s?!?

I love Fall. I'm hoping I'll still get to experience it a bit before the tundra really settles in. Bah, silly weather.

Being social while sitting home alone

I love the fact that I feel social sitting by myself in front of a computer screen.

Simultaneously talking to eight people while being able to lounge around in your PJs... relax and unwind while having a political discussion... reminiscing with an old friend from high school...

A comforting thought: to think there really might be some people who will always be in your life, as long as they're able.

Wow... so it's been awhile

I feel like I should go back to the beginning.

Almost a year ago now, I moved to Michigan and started my first job after graduating after college. In my first few weeks of employment, I talked about blogging a lot with a coworker, and she made me a bit more paranoid about how much I should share online. I backed off for a bit, and then really slacked on updating this at all as I got out of the habit of posting. So, in brief, allow me to catch up:

In less than 12 months, I graduated college, moved out on my own for the first time with any real promise of permanence, started my first job, Steven and I broke up, lost my first job, and am now probably moving back home again. What a cycle for less than a year.

I have now been unemployed for about two and a half weeks and I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I am pretty ok with it, all things considered. I will definitely feel better when I have some idea where I am going to be living as of June 30.

Heh. For the most part, I try to look at it as moving on to the next great adventure. For the most part, it works.

....

I wish I was not so confused. I think it would benefit my life greatly.

That's all.

A really great unknown

I found this quote in a friend's social networking profile. I haven't updated this in such a long time, I thought at this point, stealing someone else's words would be better than waiting another three months to update this...


"I wish that I could claim that all the people whom I have loved have loved me back, or that my needs and those of the people closest to me have always dovetailed perfectly. But friendship doesn't work that way, and people's needs aren't always the same, so it is only fair to say that I have often wished for more, or wished for something no one had to give and in that I know that I'm not alone.

Some people feel angry when they think of moments when they've had to stand alone, and question the value that they once put upon friends who weren't there when they needed them. But I think the thing to remember is this - you don't get from friends what you give to them, you get what they have to give, and that is the thing you must not forget. People can only give you what they have to give.

It is difficult to remember this when you know just what you need and none of your friends have it to give, and especially difficult when you have given it to them in the past. But you will save yourself a lot of grief if you keep in mind that you don't have you for a friend, however much you might wish you did. You have the person out there instead.

Perhaps you will take chicken soup to a friend who is sick, and they will forget your birthday just the same. Or maybe you will have them to your parties and they will give none to which you might be asked. But maybe they will hand you a piece of truth one day, in a sentence tossed off with a sidelong glance, and if it's something you couldn't have found inside yourself, you will have been repaid in full."

To me, this is perfect. It is something I try to follow and keep in mind.

Thanks for sharing, Jen.

A vile, chosen victim of life

My favorite Orson Scott Card quote of all time is from Enchantment. "Life is vile, but at least I'm one of the chosen victims." Every time I become down about something, so down that I can't remember why I bother, I usually remember that quote. Some might say it's entirely pessimistic, but to me, it's purely realistic. Life can be vile and awful. But yes, I really do realize that it can be beautiful and wonderful too. I always try to remember that I am just lucky to be alive. It can be hard, though. It's hard when you see bliss all around you, in simple smiles that another couple may share, in a laugh between two friends. In a glance between two people that make them look like conspirators, lovers, so different from most glances my fiancé throws my way. I crave affection and someone who loves me enough to show it. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Why do I always feel like everything I ask for is too much to ask? Cause really, it shouldn't be.

Some selfish, insipid ramblings

You know, I used to feel like a bad person for doing these. I guess I have become such a bitter husk of a person since, well who knows when, that I am simply indifferent now.


To the point: I had two very interesting conversations after midnight on Saturday. The first was with Al, whom I have not spoken with in such a time, that I cannot remember how long it has been. He still seems like the person I drifted from so long ago, only a bit more brooding. He said something to me that really struck home: he said I am not anti-social but that I have my priorities more inline "than the rest of us, which I have always admired." I must say that I find this to be quite ironic. Yes, I am the person to be admired, but never the person to be friends with. I am insecure, filled with doubt and disbelief, overly internal and withdrawn, quiet, awkward, but I am self-possessed enough not to follow others blindly. And where has it gotten me? It has gotten me admiration, I suppose. Who ever wants admiration? I want someone I can relate to. I want a best friend. I want a real, inseparable best friend again. The one you can tell anything to; the only who will always be there for you. Not the one you could lose if you break up, or finally move away from because really he shouldn't be here, as his job market isn't here. I want so many things that are quite obtainable, only I can't have more than one or two at the same time. I'm sure it is much the same with a great many people; my problem is that I am not sure which I want the most. Will I always wander through all of this so confusedly?


And the other was with Jeffrey. Conversations with Jeffrey are always interesting. We either talk about nothing at all, or so much of everything I feel as if I might explode because I don't have the energy to say it all. Saturday, was, of course, a conversation of the latter. Mostly about, you guessed it, relationships. I said some things I probably didn't mean that came out all wrong as usual, but then I have to wonder - do I say things so easily misinterpreted because how others interpret them are closer to the true meaning, regardless of what I'm telling myself? I am not even going to bother re-reading that last sentence because I probably won't be able to make any more sense of it. As usual, I know what I'm trying to say, even if no one else can construe any meaning of it.


All of this boils down to one thing: I have no idea what I really want. In the meantime, it's fucking up everything.


To further clarify the impossible, I bring you The Killers' "All These Things That I've Done:"

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The gold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on