I Will Buy You a New Life

Tomorrow I turn 22 and I am graduating from college. Yesterday I had my third and final interview to work at Borders Group, Inc. in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The day before that, I took my final final as an undergraduate and turned in my final final essay. =) It's such a strange feeling, and I know so many others in my position have been talking about the same thing, but I have to say it once more, if only for my benefit: I can't believe it's over.

And now it seems that all that's left to do is wait and see where life takes me. I think, no matter what happens, I am going to end up making one of the hardest choices I've ever made in my life. If I stay here, I know I will be happy in my personal life; I'm content here, at ease with the way things are going.... but I know if I stay I will always wonder what if and maybe never be truly content again anyway. I also know that moving to Ann Arbor would be incredibly difficult. Just the thought of moving makes me depressed, just completely lethargic. =/ Steve and I are just getting settled at 682, and now I might have to pick up again. I am so tired of living one year at a time, in a different place, constantly moving but always staying in the same town. It's the worst feeling. I thought when we moved to 682, we would definitely be here for a few years and that I really could settle down. I was wrong, of course. That wouldn't be so bad if I thought that I could move to Ann Arbor and be done with it... but if I moved there, that wouldn't be permanent because I would only be living in a rental for one year, two years, who knows? before having to pick up again and make another choice: either really start my life in Michigan or move again. I know there is no way I could move into a home permanently this summer. Even if I could afford to buy a home, would it make this any easier? Probably not. Don't get me wrong: I love to travel, and if I had it my way, I would make sure to go to at least one new place or country every year. But that doesn't mean I don't want a real home, too. Am I really asking so much? I hate having to choose between my dream job and staying with the one person who always makes me happy, no matter what. I know if I asked him, he would come with me, but I don't want that. Steve is so happy here; he loves his job, he loves our neighbors, and he is really excited about starting grad school in the fall. I can't ask him to move, even if he has offered to come with me. It's not fair to him, or us. But it wasn't fair for me to think I could be happy staying in Athens either, when career-wise, there is nothing for me here.

After seeing Ann Arbor and meeting my prospective co-workers and supervisors, the choice seems that much harder. I guess a part of me was hoping once I had been there, I would see it really wasn't that great. Haha. But everyone was so open and friendly and immediately easy to talk to... I know what you must be thinking: why are you worrying about all of this already when you don't even know if you have the job? Well, because there is a very strong possiblity I AM going to get the job. You know I am not cocky, or even confident, most of the time, but Borders really has rushed the application and interviewing process for me and been up front with how much they like me from the beginning, that's why I think they're going to offer me the position. It's such a strange feeling: I don't think I would have the strength to turn the offer, but I am not sure I will have the strength to go, either. Who knows? Maybe I won't get it, anyway.

Waiting really does suck.

Song: "I Will Buy You a New Life," by Everclear

Movin' Out

Hey I'm posting and it's not Sunday, whoo hoo! OK. This weekend was awesome. Steve and I went to see Abby and Joel in Mt. Vernon and it was a lot of fun. We visited Kenyon on Saturday; the campus is absolutely beautiful. Abby works at the Columbus Zoo, so we were able to go for free.

I'm home now, and I can't believe it is the last week of classes before exams, and graduation. It's so crazy. I say it too much, but I can't say it enough. I've had two very promising interviews, although neither for positions in Athens. One is in Ann Arbor (With Borders) and the other is for an internship in Cincinnati. Even though I would hate to move so soon, again, and fairly far away, I think I would accept Borders if I got the position. I've had two interviews so far, but we'll see. It's basically my dream job, I just hate the thought of moving yet again. The internship is a last resort. With Steven still in Athens, I'm not sure I want to leave. But I may not have a choice. It's just terrible timing -- we literally just moved into this house about a month ago. I am completely tired of moving; I keep telling myself, maybe this will be the last time... or this will be the last time.... and it never is. We keep moving, every year. Now that we're graduating, I thought it might be different. We could actually stay in one place for a few years, at least. Now... who knows?

Song: Billy Joel, "Movin' Out"

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

So let go and jump in... it's all amazing

My sister's married; I still can't believe it. It doesn't feel like such a long time ago that she was calling me up and telling me about this guy she had met Hoffbrau Haus. But it was nearly fours ago and now Lauren has become Lauren Blackburn. It's crazy. It makes me feel so old, and I of course teared up like the biggest baby in the ceremony. It's crazy. How many times can I say it's crazy? MY sister is married. Wow.


And the whole experience was so much more fun than I thought. OK. I know that people should expect weddings to be fun and blah blah blah... but those people do not know my family, haha. Especially when you have to be in the wedding, because then it is so much more stressful. But it was amazing. Not picture perfect of course -- there was more than a couple of snags =P -- but Lauren was beautiful, (although the photo on the left isn't the best choice, haha), everyone had fun, etc. etc. And it turns out, Steve looks pretty good in a tux, haha.


See? I was pretty proud of him. =) Anyway, I know I always just write in this thing on Sundays.. my fabulous way of procrastinating, but sometime I really will get around to actually writing in this thing through the week. I will go on and on all about the wedding I'm sure. But for now, I think the visuals speak pretty well for themselves. Now that wedding plans and craziness have cooled off for a bit, I will have more time! Oh and one more thing: title, from Frou Frou's "Let Go." I guess I should start some homework tonight, since I'm about 150 pages behind on stupid "Between the Acts." I didn't know Virginia Woolf could be so painful... Til next time, then.

Feeling short of stable

I've decided to try and do my blog titles from song lyrics. This one's from "Shimmer" by Fuel, one of my favorite favorites from high school. I can't remember the last time I heard the song but I can still replay the lyrics in my head, verbatim. Yes, quite a talent; I know.

So back to my real topic: My epiphanies come in shifts. For weeks I will just go on, sometimes trying not to feel, sometimes feeling too much and thus acting like a crazy person and usually, worrying way too much. And when I can't stand it anymore, I over think things and obsess, and then come my wonderful, sudden streams of thought. My latest is how about how I deal with other people -- so awkwardly that it's no wonder I have no real close friends, that I have no one to call a best friend. I'm graduating in less than a month, my sister is getting married THIS weekend, I have no job and I have no idea what I am going to be doing after June 8th. But for some reason, mostly what I think about right now is how much I miss my friends. Silly, right? I've been thinking about it a lot lately. One day I will love not knowing what I am doing, and pretending like I am totally free, like I really, honestly could do anything I wanted with my life. But, most of the time, I just get really stressed about how I'm going to find a job and a way to pay for this house, or grad school... and in the back of my mind, constantly... I have no one to share all this crap with, except in brief stints, because I have no single, consistent friend anymore. Not one. This may sound like a pity party, perhaps it is. I just can't help it sometimes. Usually I can keep myself occupied enough, but then a moment will steal upon me where I will remember what it used to be like. Well, that's why I created a blog no one really reads anyway, HA HA.

My monthly book list again, behind schedule. So this basically counts for April, with the first week of May thrown in:

Books I've bought:

1. "The Golden Compass," Phillip Pullman
2. "Between the Acts," Virginia Woolf
3. "Wide Sargasso Sea," Jean Rhys
4. "A Voyage in the Dark," Jean Rhys
5. "After Mrs. Rochester," Polly Teale
6. "No Telephone to Heaven," Michelle Cliff
7. "A Passage to India," E.M. Forster
...I can't remember, maybe a few others

Books I've read:
1. "A Passage to India"
2. "Wide Sargasso Sea"
3. "A Voyage in the Dark"
4. "After Mrs. Rochester" *Started
5. "No Telephone to Heaven" *Could NOT finish... too depressing
6. "The Gunslinger" and it's awesome
7. "Equal Rites" ...finally finished and it's awesome, like all Terry's are.

See, I am totally getting better.

Updates, the highlights

It has been an embarrassingly long time since I last updated this, so here goes: Steve and I have officially been in our new house for eight days, very exciting. I basically love it -- Oscar is here with us finally, which makes having to drive to campus worth it. =) Plus, it's nice to get away from things for a while.

I got into grad school and will be starting in August, so that's good news. At least now I can definitely stay in school forever, and that somehow makes things ok seeing as I can't find a real job. Heh. Only one more month of school left as an undergrad, and I cannot wait to be finished with Ohio University. It just keeps getting worse and worse -- bloated administration salaries while the professors are paid below the national average and programs and events continue to be cut -- the latest being the Spring Literary Festival. This is the last year they're having it, how awful is that? And after that announcement, our president had the audacity to ask the professors in the English department to help fundraise for the university. Last time I checked, that wasn't in the professors job descriptions. Yeah, I really do hate our current administration. Perhaps he is a nice guy, but he does not know how to manage a school. It's utterly incompetent.

And on that happy note... I'll leave you. =)

Weddings and Weekend Happenings

It seems like everyone is getting married these days, so Steven and I gave in to peer pressure and set a date. OK, not really, but we did finally set a date. We're getting married next April, planning on the 26th. We're going to have the ceremony at Galbreath, and the reception will either be in Walter's rotunda or one of the hotels in Athens. So that's pretty awesome. Lauren's getting married next month, someone else in October, another friend in December, and Abby's getting married next spring, too. Things will definitely be busy, but finally in a good way.

Speaking of Abby... she's coming to visit today! I'm excited. Now that she's in C-bus permanently, I don't get to see her as much, which is actually pretty silly seeing as she's only 90 minutes away. But anyway, the weekend is off to a good start, and it looks like it will just get better. So, I should clean before she gets here, so it looks like I'm going to cut this one short.

More later.

frustration and I feel old

We'll do it someday, Steven.