I Will Buy You a New Life

Tomorrow I turn 22 and I am graduating from college. Yesterday I had my third and final interview to work at Borders Group, Inc. in Ann Arbor, Michigan. The day before that, I took my final final as an undergraduate and turned in my final final essay. =) It's such a strange feeling, and I know so many others in my position have been talking about the same thing, but I have to say it once more, if only for my benefit: I can't believe it's over.

And now it seems that all that's left to do is wait and see where life takes me. I think, no matter what happens, I am going to end up making one of the hardest choices I've ever made in my life. If I stay here, I know I will be happy in my personal life; I'm content here, at ease with the way things are going.... but I know if I stay I will always wonder what if and maybe never be truly content again anyway. I also know that moving to Ann Arbor would be incredibly difficult. Just the thought of moving makes me depressed, just completely lethargic. =/ Steve and I are just getting settled at 682, and now I might have to pick up again. I am so tired of living one year at a time, in a different place, constantly moving but always staying in the same town. It's the worst feeling. I thought when we moved to 682, we would definitely be here for a few years and that I really could settle down. I was wrong, of course. That wouldn't be so bad if I thought that I could move to Ann Arbor and be done with it... but if I moved there, that wouldn't be permanent because I would only be living in a rental for one year, two years, who knows? before having to pick up again and make another choice: either really start my life in Michigan or move again. I know there is no way I could move into a home permanently this summer. Even if I could afford to buy a home, would it make this any easier? Probably not. Don't get me wrong: I love to travel, and if I had it my way, I would make sure to go to at least one new place or country every year. But that doesn't mean I don't want a real home, too. Am I really asking so much? I hate having to choose between my dream job and staying with the one person who always makes me happy, no matter what. I know if I asked him, he would come with me, but I don't want that. Steve is so happy here; he loves his job, he loves our neighbors, and he is really excited about starting grad school in the fall. I can't ask him to move, even if he has offered to come with me. It's not fair to him, or us. But it wasn't fair for me to think I could be happy staying in Athens either, when career-wise, there is nothing for me here.

After seeing Ann Arbor and meeting my prospective co-workers and supervisors, the choice seems that much harder. I guess a part of me was hoping once I had been there, I would see it really wasn't that great. Haha. But everyone was so open and friendly and immediately easy to talk to... I know what you must be thinking: why are you worrying about all of this already when you don't even know if you have the job? Well, because there is a very strong possiblity I AM going to get the job. You know I am not cocky, or even confident, most of the time, but Borders really has rushed the application and interviewing process for me and been up front with how much they like me from the beginning, that's why I think they're going to offer me the position. It's such a strange feeling: I don't think I would have the strength to turn the offer, but I am not sure I will have the strength to go, either. Who knows? Maybe I won't get it, anyway.

Waiting really does suck.

Song: "I Will Buy You a New Life," by Everclear